‘Adam’s Still Alive!’ Shouts Dumbass Who Has Never Been Stabbed, Thrown Off a Cliff

Adam Taurus, RWBY’s infamous dead edgelord and walking weeb thirst trap, still has people that believe he might come back to the show three Volumes later like some kind of religious figure. And although all evidence points to the contrary, the blind believers of this would-be zombie think he will return to the show with a banging. A bang, sorry, we definitely meant bang.

Lucy Tacker, 23, is one of the few convinced that Adam will come back from his absolutely certain death. Walking alongside us in a local convention, she explained her reasoning: “Ya see he is like, a really deep and compelling character and his story is abruptly cut short. He must be alive so that RT could finish his character arc.” To the readers who don’t remember anything past Volume 7 due to the multiple concussions brought on by high-school bullies, Adam Taurus was a character that died in Volume 6. His most compelling attribute was the fact that Rooster Teeth somehow created a character that pretty much any sane person would hate – an obsessive, manipulative, abusive stalker, that gets off from tormenting people he groomed into liking him, after the first signs of their disobedience. Any sane person, keep in mind.

“I think Adam is just misunderstood by everyone. He really cares for Blake, because he overtook an entire racist cult just so he could be closer to her. He travelled through an entire content and then fought some girl for his GF’s attention. That’s really romantic!” After being asked if Adam stabbing Blake in Volume 3 and then repeatedly trying to murder her later was normal boyfriend behavior, Lucy threw a small tantrum shouting “It’s not fair, I could fix him!!”

Lucy kept walking down the convention aisle with a placard reading: “ADAM TAURUS is alive! Prove me wrong”, when a passerby commented that Rooster Teeth have publicly acknowledged Adam’s death. Lucy almost reactively shrieks “We didn’t see his body, y’know!” and the passerby walks away frustrated. “See? Nobody can ever prove me wrong. Anyways, my theory’s that Salem found Adam barely alive floating down the river and gave him a cool red Grimm eye and a Grimm heart and new powers. And he’s gonna find Blake and then after they make up he’s gonna sacrifice himself so that Salem could be stopped. I mean, his character arc can’t conclude until he’s redeemed, you know?”

Rambling of similar intellectual value continued until we got to the food court and Lucy got herself a chili dog and some nuts. It was there that a Weiss cosplayer walked up to Lucy, saw the sign and poked her right in the stomach with the rapier Myrtenaster. Lucy, confused, dropped her chili dog and politely asked the cosplayer: “Bitch! What the hell?!” The cosplayer pointed at the placard with the sword and condescendingly asked: “Ya never been stabbed and thrown off a cliff, huh?”

Then it was all clear – Lucy was, in fact, never been stabbed by two blades at once and thrown off a cliff. This immediately disqualified from talking about Adam’s death, as she wasn’t aware how incredibly lethal it was. After further journalistic digging, we found out that Lucy’s uncle has been stabbed, but only with a prison shank, and was never even thrown off a cliff. Considering that her uncle survived, we can see where Lucy would get the twisted idea that Adam Taurus was still alive.